Once again, it's been a long time since I've posted anything on here. So much has changed. I finally started dating the girl of my dreams, I got a job, and school is almost over. Just 9 days ago, I got engaged, to boot! As time passes, I've been able to spend less time on training, and honestly I think it's for the best.
I'll never be the best in the world.
That's the truth. Plain and simple. I lift because I love it, but there is no good reason to sacrifice all I have to pursue elite status. I have nothing to prove. One year ago, if you would have told me that I'd be thinking like this, 19 year old me would have called you insane. There was nothing more that guy wanted than to be the very best. But there is so much more to life than lifting. And there is so much more to being strong than moving big weights.
In about one year, I'm going to be a husband. Just saying that blows my mind. I know in my heart, right now, I'm not ready for that. I am definitely working towards it, but I'm just not there. God has a lot of molding and shaping to do with my heart. After Melyssa and I got engaged, I only realized that there is so much more sin and darkness in my heart than I thought. I have failed her more in this past week than I have over the past several months. I don't want to fail her as a husband. She deserves better than that.
The weakness I felt after failing to love my fiancee was worse than failing any lift. Worse than being crushed by any bar. More painful than losing any contest. I am not strong enough. I am not strong enough. I am not strong enough.
So the temptation from all this is to tell myself to "be better." To pull myself up by my bootstraps and proclaim that "I will not fail!" Foolishness. Stupidity. I am human and I am sinful. I cannot change on my own strength. I cannot learn to love my fiancee more just by willing it to happen.
I have to run to the cross. Only by surrendering my life more and more completely to Jesus can I change my heart. Only then can I learn to love unconditionally. Only then can I learn to be whole. Only then will I find strength, satisfaction, and peace.
My favorite verse is Joshua 1:9. "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."
I am too quick to apply that verse to physical strength and hardship. I need to remind myself that God is with me wherever I go in my spiritual battles, and that He is always there to give me the strength to flee from sin. I can be courageous in the face of failure and doubt and persecution and trials, all because God is with me and is the one who leads me.
I just have to trust and surrender to Him.
Stay Strong,
JB
